Zombies I

There’s an odd aroma wofting throughout the air lately, people.

It’s the scent of genocide.

The panic-enducing, demon stench of flesh-eating, decomposing genocide.

Throughout the world, we smell it. Death incarnate, the risen, reanimated corpses, the living dead…but the Russians say it best: zombies.

Most would consider zombies to be a fairy tale like vampires, successful Toronto based NHL hockey teams or Barack Obama.

No, this threat is very real, very terrifying and very right in your backyard. This slutty, sex-driven society of ours is like a heart beat monitor, the pulse slowly beeping to an unavoidable oblivion of silence.

Yet that silence will soon be shattered by the monotonous groaning of doom. Zombies – slow. Dumb. Slightly pathetic, like a rabid kitten out to kill you. But in numbers they can put an end to your family picnic faster than you can say “decomposition is for pussies.”

There are, however, actions and steps you can take to ensure you are fully capable of defending yourself. But don’t kid yourself – the only living human, is a constantly-moving human.

A little something to remember about this imminent attack of the undead: unless the outbreak begins in your garage when your buddy drinks a little too much RC Cola, rotting his body from within then killing him then bringing him back as a flesh-eating zombie, you can count being attacked by a menacing horde of zombies, rather than a lone, decomposing, track-pant-wearing, virgin 40-year-old man. As such, it’s important to keep a weapon near all entrances.

Here are some popular examples: a baseball bat in the closet near the front door, hockey sticks near the garage door, nunchucks near the back door, or my personal favourite, sewing machines near the door to the porch.

Note that I stick mainly to blunt or bludgeoning weapons. Because cutting a dead guy is like trying to unlock a door with your mind. It won’t work, trust me. You have to beat their brains in or immobilize them as quickly and manly as humanly possible.

It’s also crucial to keep various sizes and shapes of scrap wood, that way boarding doors and windows will be a snap.

Again, don’t get comfortable. Zombies, although stupid, still have the senses of a semi-sober human. They will smell your flesh and come to take a little peak to see if it’s snack time. And where there’s one zombie, there’s his relatives.

So first lessons: prepare yourself for the imminent zombie apocalypse. Hide blunt weapons, store random wood, beware RC Cola, bash in brains, don’t bring a knife to an undead fight and don’t get comfortable.