2010 - What did I ever do to you?

Holy shit - this is the worst year of my life.

When shit gets this heavy, I always try to tell myself that it's for a reason. Life better have a pretty good reason for this.

But sometimes you sit there and wish for something to happen - then it does.

I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.

It's tough to say exactly what happened with me, with us and with life. I suppose sometimes love just isn't enough. I hope that we will both come away from this learning a bit more about ourselves and with minimal regrets. If a man's level of freedom is measured by the guilt he shoulders from his past, then I may never actually meet a true free man. I'll certainly never look in the mirror and see one.

I pray to my Mother constantly. I beg her to help me. I beg her for strength, for answers and for a reason to go on. I don't know if she hears me. Sometimes I feel like I've disappointed her or hurt her in someway by how I live my life.

It's so easy to count the horribly disappointing and overwhelmingly stressful things happening in my life. There's just so many of them...how can you enjoy the sight of the ocean with a mountain in the way?

But now at least I can fully focus on getting the help I need emotionally. Cuz ya know...I'm fucked up and all. Or perhaps I'm just not meant to live a certain way.

Either way, it's time to suit up and re-join the mercenaries who answer to one voice only: their own.