The Ultimate Showdown

It’s a late night, even for billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. But for his alter ego, the night has only just begun.

As of late, Bruce Wayne’s attention has shifted from running and managing his internationally renowned company, Wayne Enterprises, to bringing justice to the scum and slime of Gotham’s humanity as the feared Dark Knight. Recently though, Gotham’s streets have been quiet and peaceful. No doubt thanks to the fear he’s bestowed on the criminal minds throughout the busy metropolis. So his obsessive attention has turned to other cities in need of a bat’s brand of justice.

New York City. A hot-bed of crime and superhuman criminal tourists who are constantly on the lookout for a night on the town. But not in Spiderman’s city.

Perched atop a tall building, Spidey listens intently to the honks and engines of a city that never seems to sleep. He sighs heavily – he’s bored. It’s been quiet lately, oddly quiet. He thinks maybe he can finally take a vacation – maybe battle some evil-doers in Hawaii or perhaps Kelowna. It’s late – time to head home to MJ and see if he can put Spidey Jr. to work.

With a quick thwip of his webs, he’s off swinging through the jungle of buildings and concrete. He thinks about what MJ was wearing to bed. A small pair of booty shorts and a small t-shirt that says “#1 Spiderman Fan” and she was gunna prove it when he got home.

Spider-sense suddenly sends shockwaves down his spine – something’s coming at him, small but possibly explosive. He flicks a few quick weblines and pulls himself higher, spins and spots a baseball sized sphere – it’s tracing him and gaining speed. He jumps off a wall with one foot to spin and web the sphere down, but it’s broken apart into a dozen needles. With no time to think, his instincts take over. Arching his back, flailing his arms and kicking his legs out to avoid the needles which clack off the wall behind him with a small electric shock.

Still in mid-air, his Spider-sense fires off again. A man – a foot – coming at him quickly. He reaches up and spins two weblines, giving him the leverage to pull himself up. A man in a black cape soars under him, just missing landing a critical kick to his lower regions.

With a few flips and jumps, Spidey lands effortlessly on top of run-down building. The caped man soon lands before him. They stare each other down for a few minutes.

“Rob Zombie?” Spider jests.

The caped man reaches back and flings forth several edged shuriken-like weapons. Spidey’s timing is flawless, he somersaults to the right, dodging the weapons. Spider-sense again, the weapons are seekers, they turn and come back at him. A backflip and a few thwips of his webs and Spiderman spins and fires the weapons back at his attacker.

He’s gone now, out of sight – and the weapons fling off and fall to the ground.

“Oh, I get it. You’re the boogieman,” Spiderman exclaims.

“Boo,” comes a distant voice.

Spider-sense again, and Spidey dives out of the way of another crushing attack from above. He turns and aims for the feet, trying to subdue his attacker and keep him on the ground. The caped man pulls his cape over his head, and the webs sizzle and evaporate quickly after touching the cape.

“Someone’s got some time on their hands,” Spidey quips, “guess I’m just gunna have to do this the old fashioned way.”

His attacker is quick, too. Tossing several bolas to incapacitate Spiderman, but Spidey’s spider-sense is too strong. He leaps, bounds and dodges the bolas, jumping to close in on his attacker and does just that, landing a spinning kick to his enemy’s right side.

Batman is staggered, and now Spiderman can see exactly who he is.

“Wow. You bring new meaning to the term ‘bat-shit crazy’”.

Batman stands tall and pulls out two rods – they’re electrified. The goal – stun Spiderman or incapacitate him and bring him in. Batman squeezes the rods and they zap with electrical force.

“Shocking,” Spidey cracks.

Batman comes at him, swinging high – Spiderman ducks, swinging low – Spiderman jumps, swinging both batons at once – Spiderman somersaults to the side. Batman swings downwards – Spiderman grabs his arm and twists – Batman drops the baton. Batman swings with the second baton – Spiderman chops it out of his hand and lands a harsh kick right in Bat’s chops, sending him staggering backward.

Batman’s been hit before, but not like this. Spiderman’s strength and quickness were much more than Batman had anticipated. Batman, after all, is only a man in a costume – somehow Spiderman can foresee his every move. But he isn’t out of tricks yet.

He pulls another sphere from his belt, tosses it hard against the roof and covers himself. It blasts with a massive shockwave and burst of light. Spidey’s senses are blinded – stunned, he covers his eyes and keels over .

Sensing an opportunity, Batman lunges forward, crashing his foot into Spiderman’s chest and sending him sprawling backward. Batman moves for one of the stun rods, but by the time he’s got it, Spiderman is back on his feet – his enhanced strength has given him superhuman endurance, and kick from an ordinary man isn’t enough to stymie him for long. Batman moves to attack, but Spiderman is gone.

“Boo!” Comes a familiar voice from up high.

Spiderman lands a web-swinging kick right into Batman’s back. Batman collapses in a heap. He can’t cope with blows of that strength. He reaches for another stun bomb, but Spidey delivers another kick to his mid-section, sending him dragging across the rooftop.

Spidey pins him down. “Still wanna brawl Bat-boy?”

At this point, it’s important to note to that both these men are heroes – they’ll never stoop to killing. So it’s safe to say that the two would recognize the good in each other, talk and sort out their differences. In another dimension, I think Spidey would just mount Batman, and serve up some serious ground-n-pound until Batman’s head caved in.

Bottom line: Batman is a rich man in a costume. Yes, he has extensive training and millions in resources, but Spiderman is a superhuman. Super-strength, super-endurance, Spider-sense, reflexes of Halak and more. No matter of gadgetry is going to save Batman from Spiderman’s abilities.

Clear winner: Spidey.

Don’t shake your head at me, Kristen.